Frozen
clothes, the truce of Christmas 1914
and modern art: an episode in the play
Synopsis
Characters and cast size
Props and safety
The Script: Act 1
'Maestro' is intended to be entertainment above all, but there are undercurrents, darker forces and poetic elements in the play, and a particular stress on the inconsistencies and contradictions of human nature. The play can appeal to a very wide audience. It’s a spectacular and very varied comedy - a comic version of the Oedipus myth.
It contains many contrasting elements. A very striking and unusual example, preceded by farcical events and followed by farcical events but with a central dimension of horror, is discussed in ‘Frozen clothes, the truce of Christmas 1914 and modern art: an episode in the play.’ (Page 5 - 9.)
Many of the developments in the play have an unexpectedness, an incongruity, and although there's a continuous story, there are also sudden and unexpected changes of tone. These are integrated into the fluid and continuous action so that all the events, even the most unexpected, seem inevitable. This is a view of reality according to which stability, continuity and consistency can't be taken for granted - in events, but also, to an extent, in human personality. There may be irruptions of unexpected violence, irruptions of beauty, 'epiphanies,' tragedy suddenly giving way to farce, common-sense succeeded by a refusal to face reality, deep irrationality co-existing with practicality. The world of the play is exceptionally varied, including the grotesque and the deranged, extreme and nightmarish experience, completely normal experience and conversation, but above all good humour in abundance.
The incongruities in the play reflect the incongruities of life. Some of them are not much more surprising than the incongruities of real life. In the final scene of the play, after scenes conducted in dim light or darkness lit by lamps, there’s bright sunshine and in this Himalayan scene there’s a beach shelter with a colourful striped wind-break as a background. Mother sits in a deck-chair. Incongruous items have found a place in mountaineering sometimes, as in the successful Italian expedition to Everest in 1973. ‘At Base Camp the leader had a carpeted five-roomed tent equipped with leather upholstered furniture.’ (Walt Unsworth, ‘Everest.’) There are also incongruities which are purely farcical, such as the episode which immediately precedes this one, an interpretation of the stage direction in ‘The Winter’s Tale,’ the exit of Antigonus ‘pursued by bear.’ The pursuit in this play is different. Both victim and bear are tired out and suffering from the effects of high altitude. They have to stop twice to recover their breath before the pursuit resumes.
In the first scene, which takes place in a hall in Las Vegas, the hall is dark and dismal and the inadequate lights fail - not the associations of Las Vegas and its bright lights. The fight in this scene is not between two boxers but between a boxer and a wrestler, and the referee isn’t at all impartial. In one round, he keeps hitting the wrestler. Junkies, in the squalid urban setting of an underground car park, use their paint cans to spray very surprising graffiti on a wall.
In the play ‘The King,’ an unsuccessful boxer, tries to become a concert violinist. Pressure is applied by his mother, his devious manager, ‘Kiddo,’ and a crooked ‘violin teacher.’ Later, in the Himalayas, Kiddo attempts an even more unlikely transformation for him, after the arrival of a bear, which Kiddo takes to be the Abominable Snowman. The King never speaks in the play, except, supposedly, for two words in the closing seconds, but it's some time before the audience will realize this. In the first scene, he is boxing, and boxers aren't expected to speak during the match. In the second scene, he's in desperate circumstances.
Although the play is predominantly light, it's essential in performance that the serious elements should be given enough weight. The piece should not be played in a whimsical or facetious way, not excluding the dialogue. The one exception is some banter near the beginning of Act 2.
The opening boxing/wrestling fight, conducted in half-light, has farcical elements, but these are contrasting elements within a deadly serious confrontation. (The wrestling in Ken Russell's film of D. H. Lawrence's 'Women in Love' is a suitable guide, although the boxing/wrestling match covers a greater area and should be amongst other things a display of very vigorous athleticism.) When The King appears to have been killed and his grieving mother is by his side, then the grief should not be mock grief. This will make the contrast which comes unexpectedly all the more marked. In Scene 2, which shows The King as a vagrant, his condition should be shown as shocking, his distress and destitution very graphically portrayed, even if the conclusion of the scene is comic. The plight of the junkies should be conveyed just as strongly. There are a few irruptions of seriousness in the gunfight, but otherwise it's far from being a deadly confrontation, and it ends in pure farce, when Vic the Vegan uses progressively more powerful weapons but his aim is ludicrously bad. Violence is shown with full intensity in a later episode, in the artillery bombardment which precedes the truce.
When the King meets his first girlfriend, in grotesque circumstances, their embraces should be romantic and then more and more erotic. When the bear (or Abominable Snowman) is dying, there should be poignancy, as if this is the death of a pet. The bear attack near the end of the play should be ferocious, without any admixture of farce. Kiddo, in a dismal hall in Las Vegas, should not show comic frustration but real frustration, disappointment verging upon panic, and despair at the poor results of his venture, even if his spirits lift very quickly. The poetic elements which irrupt into the play in Act 2, just as strikingly as the violence, should be deeply realized.
On the other hand, Vic the Vegan should be played as an incompetent buffoon for the most part. This accentuates the contrast when a transformation takes place at the beginning of Act 2. He becomes The Guide, a source of poetic reflections, and someone who resembles Sarastro in Mozart's The Magic Flute, a source of wisdom. There are other transformations in this act. For example, a beach shelter - used instead of a proper tent and a very incongruous thing to find in the Himalayas - becomes transformed into a thing of beauty.
I've given a great deal of thought to form and structure, but in such a way as to eliminate the predictable. The unexpectedness of events includes events which occur unexpectedly and events which are expected and don't occur. There are recurring events in the play, which help to unify it. The play is unified too by other elements, notably recurring sporting activity (even though sporting activity happens not to be an interest of mine to any extent.) In the play, there's boxing and wrestling, cross-country skiing, climbing, or rather abseiling, and football.
The play has been produced by an amateur group, very successfully, although the script was very different from the revised and extended version given here. Even though much too old for the part, I played The King.
Frozen clothes, the truce of Christmas and modern art: an episode in the play
The horror in this episode is preceded by farcical events and followed by farcical events. It illustrates the swift modulations of tone to be found in the play. It's found that trousers and shirts which haven’t been folded properly before being put into a rucksack have been frozen into comical shapes in the intense cold of the mountains. (The clothes have been soaked and put in a freezer some time before the performance and removed during the interval.) The clothes are then transformed into a potent and desolate symbol - the broken bodies of the dead in no man's land, arms and legs splayed at grotesque and awkward angles. The awkwardness will convey vividly the state of the dead, not at all in peaceful repose, at the centre of the bleak and otherwise empty stage.
The two protagonists re-enact - a section of a play within the play - the horrors of bombardment during the First World War. The truce of Christmas 1914 is then re-enacted, the mood lightens and, as in some of the separate truces of 1914, there's a game of football, ending in the suspense and excitement of a penalty shoot-out. The truce ends, the two resume their hostility to each other. The wartime hostility is a vast intensification of personal hostility. The hostility shown by T. K. is Oedipal. The wartime truce is a vivid counterpart of the lulls which can interrupt personal enmities. This episode takes the play, I think, into another dimension but still doesn’t affect its fundamental balance. It remains a comedy.
Contemporary art
The stark emotional impact of the bodies in no man's land will be increased if care is devoted to (1) the preparation of the clothes before freezing, which gives the rigid figures needed (2) the arrangement of these figures on the stage. There’s a linkage with modern visual art. The arrangement on the stage may even amount to a genuine contribution to visual art. The theatre as well as galleries of contemporary art can display powerful and interesting art forms, and the theatre has the advantage of possessing very sophisticated lighting and sound systems which can be used in the creation of distinctive works of art, but always integrated into a performance rather than self-sufficient. Although the arrangement of figures will only be temporary - since the figures thaw out - the same is true of some other contemporary works of visual art, for example ones made with some natural materials. Transience isn’t an objection to the contemporary art work.
Practical and artistic decisions
(1) The preparation of the clothes before freezing involves ensuring a degree of fullness for the clothes. They should not be flat, like the clothes on shelves. They can be packed with newspaper to some extent before freezing to give the degree of fullness, but the fullness of an actual human figure can't be achieved, unless a very large chest freezer is available. Freezing capacity rather than the capacity of the rucksack is the constraint. If the clothes are approximately the fullness of the human body, they certainly cannot be contained in even the largest rucksack. However, the Sherpas have carried loads, and some of the clothes can be contained in these packs, with a few alterations to the script. If the clothes are much less full and correspondingly flatter, then they can be frozen in quite a small chest freezer and will fit in the rucksack.
Very important are decisions concerning the approximate angles between legs and the angles between arms and the rest of the upper body, the degree to which there's bending at the knee and elbow of each figure. It may be decided, for example, that one of the figures will have arms raised when placed on the stage, like the dead soldier with outstretched arms on the right of Picasso's very well known portrayal of aerial bombardment, 'Guernica,' or with one arm raised. I would think differently, since this makes one of the figures a focal point and I think there should be no focal point within the ensemble, but it's an idea which can be used.
(2) The placing of the figures in the three-dimensional space of the stage involves many decisions. This need not require protracted thought and planning - there are many chaotic placings which would be very effective - but thought given to the matter will not be wasted. It will be best to experiment with models, such as artists' jointed models, on a flat surface which is a model of the stage. These artists’ models have one disadvantage, a rigid back. The arching of the back in itself can convey so much - from the residual power of the living person to a state of extreme tension (the arching of the back in untreated tetanus is this tension visible in extreme form.)
I myself would avoid placing the bodies in a heap, but there are innumerable alternative possibilities. The figures may be separated widely or not. What artists call the ‘negatives’ - the spaces in between - should not be consistent in size. Regularity of spacing is not called for here, or regularity of arrangement. A rectangle or circle could be used as an organizing principle, but the plan should be hardly discernible in the chaotic ensemble. If the four figures are placed 'at the corners of a rectangle...the eye tends to stay in the composition for longer as there is no obvious exit.' (Stan Smith, 'Anatomy, Perspective and Composition for Artists.') The arrangement of the group should not be linear, although linear composition can again be used as an approximate organizing principle. One at least of the figures should be significantly nearer to the audience. 'The tedium of regular visual repetition can be easily relieved through a change of scale...The eye which swept from left to right across the surface...is now forced to travel back into the picture space as well.' (Stan Smith.) Bombardment during the First World War sometimes flung apart upper body from lower body but I think it's best if the upper figure and the lower figure are closely associated.
Half the trousers and shirts are grey (the German uniform in the First World War was field-grey) and half are khaki, the British colour. I think that there should not be clear spatial separation between British and German but that the uniforms belonging to the opposing sides should be mixed.
Lighting
The episode offers very great scope for artistic lighting, but I make only
a few comments here. The activation of empty space by means of shadows, definition
of form by means of shadows, other aspects of lighting, are very familiar
aspects of theatrical technique. The episode begins with the stage in dim
light. The thunderstorm begins and the stage is almost completely dark, as
if black storm clouds are overhead, except for the flashes of lightning which
illuminate the two actors and the bodies in no man’s land. Then the
artillery action begins, and flashes of light from the guns, now predominantly
orange or red instead of the cool white light of lightning, are the only source
of illumination for actors and bodies. During this phase, the lighting effects,
like the sounds, are 'in canon.' This is explained in the next section. When
the truce begins, the stage is again in dim light, a light similar to the
grey, wintry light which might illuminate a frozen lake. The football match
should have something of the fluidity of skating on ice.
Sound
The sound of the artillery barrage should be as loud as possible, consistent
with the well-being of the audience and actors. The artillery should seem
to be firing very near to the actors, by including, if possible, the clatter
of large cartridges being ejected from the guns after the shells have been
fired. British and German artillery fire should not be distinguished, even
if experts could state differences due to different calibres and other factors.
There should be symmetry in the sounds, two equally powerful and localized
sound-groups, one German, at stage right, and one British, at stage left.
The sounds should be 'canonic,' that is, using the musical form of canon.
This accords with an interest in form and structure even for the portrayal
of extreme events. One part begins and the theme is repeated by a second part.
So, the sound effects could be arranged as two sections. During section A,
the German sound source begins on the right, artillery fire at high volume,
followed after a short interval by exactly the same sounds from the British
sound source at left. During most of this section, the sounds from the two
sources will reinforce each other, but at the end of the section, the British
source will be alone and unreinforced, since it started later than the German.
A short period of silence (except for the continued screams of Kiddo - T.
K. is silent, as always) and then section B begins. Now, the British sound
source begins first and the German sound source begins a little later, in
canonic imitation. Lighting too - the flashes from the guns - is also canonic.
A diagram, darker lines indicating German light and sounds and lighter lines
indicating British:
To present the light and sounds in this way is in accordance with the stylization to be found in this scene and reflects too the actual use of artillery in the First World War. As the war went on, artillery was used with ever-increasing control. This devastating instrument of war was used in accordance with meticulous plans and very precise timing.
('The King' is usually abbreviated as 'T.K.')
ACT 1 Scene 1. A hall in Las Vegas
Kiddo, The King’s manager, finds that most of the equipment in the dismal hall he has rented for the fight has been removed by bailiffs but the mat has been left. The chorus enters. They are spectators at the boxing match. Kiddo announces the name of the boxer, 'The King,' who bounds into the ring with massive energy. Next, he gives the name of his opponent, Vic the Vegan. When Vic enters the ring, it’s obvious that there has been a bad mistake. Vic is a wrestler, not a boxer. He shouts abuse at his incompetent manager, who remains out of sight. The manager has a habit of arranging completely unsuitable contests for him. After Vic gives a little homily, Round 1 begins. In this round, T. K. has the advantage. In Round 2, Vic has the advantage, despite the best efforts of the referee - far from impartial - who repeatedly hits him. The Referee is Signor Capone, Kiddo's associate. In Round 3, The King again has the advantage, but Vic the Vegan pulls out a gun and shoots him. Despite lying flat on the floor, T. K. is declared the winner by the referee. Vic protests and then exits. T. K.'s mother enters - as she does at crucial moments throughout the play - and grieves over her apparently dead son. Kiddo, however, finds that he has simply over-reacted and is very much alive. Mother berates him for remaining in boxing. T. K., mother and Kiddo exit.
Scene 2. Speaker’s Corner, Hyde Park
Vic the Vegan speaks about his beliefs. The members of the Chorus are the hecklers, but they soon warm to Vic and are sorry when he exits. The Octogenarian has also been heckling, but is eventually outwitted. T. K. enters. He has been reduced to destitution, as his mother had predicted in Scene 1. A busker appears who plays Irish fiddle music and is very successful at taking money. T. K. improvises a drum, or uses an actual Irish drum, the Bodhran, and plays to the music. One by one, the members of the Chorus begin to dance in an Irish folk style. (The dancing needs instruction and practice, and can be omitted.) T. K. steals the violin. His mother enters and takes him back home.
Scene 3. At home
T. K.'s mother and his manager, Kiddo, discuss, in his absence, his future. The mother tells of her yearnings. She would like him to have a cultural or intellectual career. As he now owns a violin, why should he not become a concert violinist? Kiddo finds this suggestion an interesting one. He would very much like to become his artistic manager. As luck would have it, he has a friend who ‘teaches the violin good. One of the best. Signor Capone. He only lives round the corner. I’ll give him a ring.’ He leaves to phone him. Very soon, Signor Capone arrives, carrying not a violin case but a viola case. He explains that he deals in violins as well as teaching the violin. He’s contemptuous of the violin (because it’s ‘out of tune’) and shows the mother the instrument he has, a Stradivarius, he claims. The mother asks, ‘Are you sure that it is a violin, Signor Capone? It looks much too large to be a violin. Isn’t it some other instrument of the string family?’ Kiddo replies for Capone, ‘Stradivarius made this violin specially for boxers, see? Boxers have big hands, an ordinary violin would be too small for them.’ Exorbitant terms are agreed for the purchase of the ‘violin’ and arrangements are made for violin lessons. Capone is persuaded to give T. K, a short lesson immediately, with Kiddo but not mother in attendance. During the lesson, T. K. hits himself hard and seems to be knocked out. After the lesson, a change of name for him is suggested and adopted. Mother is blissfully happy.
Scene 4. The Concert
The setting is almost identical to the dismal hall in Las Vegas where the boxing match took place. This hall, though, is at Salzburg - the Salzburg Festival Fringe. Kiddo admits the audience, played by the Chorus. They are Austrians and wear evening dress. They react badly to their surroundings, and to the lack of chairs but almost immediately they show that they are good-natured, in fact, high-spirited. Kiddo apologizes for changes to the programme. The very ambitious programme has been reduced. The Beethoven, Brahms, Mendelssohn, Tchaikovsky and Berg violin concertos aren't being offered. The conductor has phoned in to say that he's sick. The orchestra has also phoned in to say that they're sick - all of them, it seems. However, The King is here, and he'll be playing just one work, or one movement from a work.
T.K. enters, dressed immaculately for the occasion. He handles the violin like a professional, puts it to his chin and is about to draw the bow over the strings when the lights fail, plunging the stage into darkness. This allows a real violinist to begin playing the piece out of sight, nearby, whilst T.K. mimes. The lights are restored when Vic the Vegan enters. His hopeless manager has blundered again and booked the wrestler into a classical music concert. Vic sees his enemy and draws a gun. Vic has other weapons as well - he’s armed to the teeth. A loud and protracted gun battle now follows. T. K. manages to take a weapon after some hand-to-hand fighting. The gun battle isn’t particularly serious, particularly at the end when Vic, after using progressively larger weapons - a handgun, a mortar, what seems like the barrel of a field-gun - is shown up as incompetent again. He can’t manage to hit T. K. and Kiddo even at point-blank range.
Scene 5. At home
Mother and Kiddo discuss the concert and ways of furthering T. K.’s
career in music. His social development is then discussed. It's agreed that
this is holding him back. Kiddo exits. The Mother, embarrassed, calls her
son and gives him a severely technical explanation of human reproduction.
Before doing that, however, she asks him to play the violin for her. She's
anxious to find out how much progress he's been making. Since he has not one
but both arms in a sling, he finds this difficult. She tries hard to make
him play, and accuses him of only pretending to have his arms injur
Scene 6. Interviews for the post of girlfriend
Mother has placed an advertisement in the personal columns of the local newspaper and those who responded have had to fill in an application form, as if applying for a job. The mother, with her son, now interviews the candidates, all of them members of the Chorus.
Candidate 1 screams (out of sight) as soon as she sees T. K. Mother is deeply hurt. Candidate 1 exits. Candidate 2 bursts out laughing (out of sight) as soon as she sees T.K. Candidate 2 exits. Candidate 3 is warned by mother that if she is successful, she will have a very hard time (later, she says that this is because of the manager.) The response of this Candidate is heartening. She will accept any number of difficulties. She soon finds there has been a mistake. She was under the impression that she was being interviewed for a post with a computer company. She insults T. K., the atmosphere is suddenly acrimonious and she exits. Candidate 4 makes no reply to any of mother’s questions. Mother becomes increasingly exasperated and says that she's unfit to be a girlfriend for her son, although, of course, in her silence she’s the exact counterpart of him. Candidate 4 exits. Candidate 5 is very pleasant but is soon antagonized and exits.
Candidate 6 almost glides into the room and gazes into T. K.’s eyes longingly. He returns the look. He still has both arms in slings but rips the slings off. When mother accused T. K. of pretending to be injured, she was not callous but perfectly correct. Soon, Candidate 6 and T. K. are embracing passionately. There is a prolonged, passionate, erotic exchange. They exit, arm in arm. Mother has watched all this in growing desperation. She shouts after him, “Don’t go! Don’t leave me!”
Scene 7. In the vegan restaurant
There is a diner (a member of the Chorus) with Vic in attendance. Vic, as often, is in a murderous mood. The diner makes a criticism of the food and Vic immediately shoots her. Her face falls into her dessert. Vic drags the diner out of sight. Mother, Kiddo, Capone, The King and Anne, who was Candidate 6 (now his fiancée), enter and sit down. Vic is surprisingly amiable, despite outspoken comments about the menu. Soup is ordered. Whilst it is being fetched, Capone is shown as completely ineffectual, the victim of Mother’s and Kiddo’s scheming. Anne is obviously a very compassionate person. She has an interest in rescuing stray animals. Vic brings in some sea-vegetable soup but spills it down his trousers. Kiddo: “Waiter, there’s soup in your fly!” Anne is very sympathetic. She exits with Vic. T. K. is distraught. He exits, together with mother, Kiddo and Capone.
Scene 8. The underground car park
The scene is dismal but demonic. There is a wall with graffiti. The members
of the chorus, now junkies, enter and spray on words which were carved in
the Temple at Delphi, the site of the oracle, the original words and their
translations:
The octogenarian Priestess (the octogenarian of Scene 2, Speaker’s Corner) is standing with head bowed. The mood is intensely charged. Mother, The King, Kiddo and Capone enter. The Priestess addresses them with cryptic warnings which predict, accurately, the events at the close of the play. All exit.
ACT 2
Scene 1. The Himalayas - a pass.
The Guide addresses the audience, setting the scene with a poetic evocation. There has been a metamorphosis. The guide is played by the actor who in Act 1 played the part of Vic the Vegan. He is now wise and profound. The King shuffles on stage, wearing cross-country skis. The sound of Sherpa singing can be heard. Kiddo enters, followed by the Leader of the Sherpa girls and then the Sherpa girls themselves. After some harmless banter between the Leader of the Sherpas and Kiddo, the Leader and her Sherpas exit.
Scene 2. An episode - conflict and a truce.
Kiddo feels very cold. He also finds the need to have a change of clothes. They haven't been changed since they left Kathmandu. He asks The King to get the clothes and the tent out of the rucksack. The spare clothes amount to four pairs of trousers and four shirts. The next events to take place are described in a separate section, ‘Frozen clothes, the truce of Christmas 1914 and modern art: an episode in the play,’
Scene 3. After the truce, and entry of mother.
The King erects, not a dome tent, but a beach shelter. This is a further incongruity in the play - a beach shelter in the Himalayas.
At this point, mother enters. As in some previous scenes, she has been looking everywhere for her son, but her entry now is far more dramatic. There are various possibilities. (1) She abseils down a wall onto the stage, the preferred method. (2) She swings on to the stage at the end of a climbing rope, like a human pendulum. Although neither operation is at all dangerous (3) mother can simply enter on foot, carrying a coiled climbing rope.
Mother, son and Kiddo get into the beach shelter. Light grows dimmer. Dusk is falling, then night. A lamp is turned on. The shelter is filled with soft, diffuse light and the scene is one of beauty. The Guide enters and speaks - a poem about falling snow.
Scene 4. The entry of the bear
A bear enters. T. K. looks out and tries to communicate what he has seen. A few moments later, mother and Kiddo see the bear for themselves. The three get out of the shelter as fast as they can. Kiddo shouts out that this is the Abominable Snowman, and then “Catch him!” The bear tries to get away. Kiddo shouts out, “Halt or I shoot.” He’s reminded that bears don’t understand English, repeats the warning in German, and then shoots. The bear falls but is only wounded. Kiddo claims that the bear is the Yeti, the Abominable Snowman. With T. K.’s assistance, he alternately tries to put the bear out of his misery and to save his life, all the alternations taking place in a mysterious and protracted state of great poignancy. Eventually, the bear dies. Kiddo drags him into the tent and asks T. K. to go inside as well. Mother is bewildered. The bear emerges again quite soon. Mother is even more bewildered. Kiddo explains that he has skinned the Yeti and put T. K. inside the skin. Kiddo is completely fed up with The King. He's a freak, completely useless, no good to man or beast but useful, perhaps, as a beast. He's going to sell him to a zoo. They will pay a good price for a genuine Yeti and Kiddo will at last make the money which T. K. failed to generate as a boxer or as a concert violinist. “Over my dead body,” she protests. “Exactly,” Kiddo replies. He grabs hold of her and begins to pull her towards the edge of the stage. The bear charges Kiddo, who releases his hold and begins to run. There follows a comic interpretation of the most unusual stage direction in Shakespeare, from ‘TheWinter’s Tale’ (III, 3): the exit of Antigonus ‘pursued by a bear.’ In this pursuit, Kiddo and the bear run fast only a short distance. They are both exhausted and still suffering from the effects of the high altitude. They stop at the same time and take very deep breaths. Then they begin to run again, more slowly, following a roughly circular path on the stage, but again only a short distance.They have to stop and this time they sit down whilst they recover their breath. They stagger to their feet and the slow chase resumes. They move out of sight of the audience. A long scream is heard. Kiddo has fallen to his death.
Scene 5. A proposal.
The scene is a colourful one. Behind the beach-shelter, mother has erected a wind-break, as used at beaches. She sits in a deck-chair. The King frolics on the stage, still in the bear-skin. He comes over to his mother, who embraces him and says that she's so happy now that Kiddo has gone. “He was never a good father.” T. K. realizes that he has killed his father. “Will you marry me?” T. K. replies, “I will.” His mother cries out, “His first words! This is the happiest day of my life!” The King is a modern-day Oedipus.
The minimum cast size is 6, if the Chorus is reduced to one member, who also plays the part of The King’s Fiancee, all the Candidates for the post of girlfriend and the Octogenarian (whose face isn’t visible in the scene in the underground car park.) Otherwise, the cast size is 10. A musician, a violinist, is also required. The music to be played is not difficult. The play can accommodate a larger cast, if required, by adding to the number of the Chorus.
The King (T. K.) He can be played in very different ways. The stress may be upon the contradictory elements in his personality, as someone who is inscrutable, childish, confident, passionate, aggressive and his facial expression subject to innumerable changes. Or the stress may be upon him as a fundamentally damaged person, driven deeper into despair by the scheming of others, his face often showing the extent of his depression and despair. Whatever the interpretation, he should show particular hostility to Kiddo. His physical vitality, his athleticism, should be emphasized. In Act 2, like Kiddo, he does suffer from the effects of high altitude and his breathing is often laboured. During the episode which re-enacts an episode of the First World War, his inner state undergoes intensification, a transformation into a shell-shocked soldier.
His mother. Resourceful, energetic (capable of climbing solo in the Himalayas), irrepressible, well-educated, very competent, often, but not always, warm. In Act 2, unlike Kiddo and T. K. she appears not to suffer at all from the effects of high altitude. Both her breathing and her speech are as usual. One limitation - not at all realistic as regards her son, T.K. All too easily, wonderful vistas open up and to imagine is to achieve. More than that, she clearly has some irrational ideas.
Kiddo (Mr Kid), The King’s manager. Amiable, although not always, unscrupulous, often world-weary. He shows hostility towards T. K. but more by facial expression than by his words, except for parts of Act 2. In Act 2, he shows increasing signs of altitude sickness. His speech tends to be more clipped and slightly slower, and he often breathes heavily. During the episode of the football match and the truce - the temporary ending of his general hostility towards T. K., which mirrors the truce of Christmas 1914 - his character changes very dramatically, in the ways indicated in the script, and so does his accent. During the episode, he has a German accent, although only a slight one.
Capone. A representative of the underworld, but a very limited one. Plays the part of the referee at the boxing/wrestling match. Wears the bear costume. Also speaks the lines of Vic the Vegan's manager. His name is pronounced as three syllables, not two. Mother uses the pronunciation 'Cah-poh-nay' and Kiddo pronounces the name 'Ca-pony.' (with a short 'a.')
Vic the Vegan Someone who is very contradictory (the contrasts and contradictions in reality are a prominent theme in the play): idealistic, sometimes very good-humoured, usually incompetent and also fanatical, murderous. (Compare, for his fanaticism and murderous instincts the real-life vegan who murdered the Dutch politician Pim Fortuyn.) He brings to mind the murderer in Robert Browning's 'Bishop Blougram's Apology': 'Our interest's on the dangerous edge of things,/ The honest thief, the tender murderer... He's transformed in Act 2 into ... 'The Himalayan Guide', who resembles Sarastro in Mozart's The Magic Flute in his benign wisdom. In Act 1 he has an American accent, in Act 2 an English accent.
Octogenarian - is one of the hecklers at Speaker’s corner. Later, an Octogenarian Priestess, the Oracle.
Chorus, Four in number, although all the parts can be played by one person. The parts are:
Spectators at the boxing/wrestling match.
Hecklers and (optionally) Irish dancers at Speaker’s Corner.
Members of the Austrian audience at the Salzburg Festival.
Junkies who spray graffiti in the underground car park.
Sherpa girls in the Himalayas.
Candidates for the post of girlfriend.
In ancient Greek drama, of course, the Chorus commented on the action and danced as well. In this play, they have other roles, but they comment on the action by cheering, applauding, jeering, heckling, and they are Irish folk dancers in one scene, although the dancing can be omitted, in view of the demands it makes. If necessary to reduce the total cast size, all the parts can be played by one person. Alternatively, the Chorus can be made larger than four people.
One of the members of the Chorus is... Anne, The King’s fiancée, who is a very compassionate person, with a particular interest in stray dogs and a general concern for waifs and strays.
Bear/Yeti/Abominable Snowman played by Signor Capone in a bear-skin.
A violinist - a real violinist, rather than an acted one. There are no lines to speak. Plays the part of the busker, and plays a piece by Haydn at the concert. May be male or female. The pieces to be played are not at all difficult. Any amateur violinist of a reasonable standard will be able to play them.
Vic the vegan’s manager is a voice only. He's not seen on stage.
Props and safety
For productions, I can supply these things, at a nominal cost for hire and
delivery: boxing gloves, climbing rope and climbing harness, *cross-country
skis, ski poles and boots, beach shelter, wind-break, two blank-firing guns,
violin and viola, each with bow and case, mechanical metronome, bear outfit.
And even, if required, a chest freezer to produce the frozen clothes needed
for the episode of the truce and the football match.
Some time before the performance - at least 8 hours, although it may be days
or weeks before - four pairs of trousers and four shirts will have been soaked
in water and the excess water squeezed out. These are placed in the freezer
with the legs and sleeves at various angles. The clothes are removed during
the interval of the play and are used in the play within a short time so that
they remain frozen stiff and maintain their shape.
*Downhill skis, poles and boots, which are much more widely available than
cross-country equipment, can be substituted in a production. Although moving
on the stage will be more difficult, the shuffling action is appropriate.
Safety
I’m intensely safety conscious and here I err towards stating the obvious,
perhaps.
In Act 2 Scene 1, The King's Mother enters by either abseiling down a wall,
the preferred method, or by swinging at the end of a climbing rope. If by
abseiling, the standard safety precautions must be followed. It will need
a little instruction. Many, many school pupils carry out abseiling every year,
and the skill is very easily learned. If by swinging at the end of a rope
(1) She wears a climbing harness, attached to two ropes, or two sections of
the same rope. (2) The ropes have two separate points of attachment to a beam
or other secure object. (3) The rope is short enough to ensure that she cannot
make contact with the stage at the lowest point in the swing. (4) There are
no actors or objects in the path of her swing. It's safer to have KIDDO and
T. K. exit just before she enters and enter immediately after. (5) The whole
system is checked by someone with a knowledge of simple climbing equipment.
To avoid even these minimal risks, she can enter by walking, but carrying
a coiled climbing rope.
When Kiddo hits the bear over the head with his gun (Act 2 Scene 2) the actor
wearing the bear costume should wear head protection underneath the costume!
A small cycling helmet would be suitable.
When T. K. takes off his cross-country skis, he should take off the cross-country
boots which have been the means of attachment to the skis and change into
ordinary boots, since cross-country ski boots have smooth soles and will slide
and slip very readily.
T. K. and Kiddo both suffer from lack of oxygen at the high altitude of Act
2 and breathe much more deeply to try to compensate. Since there can be ill-effects
from hyperventilation, this should not be done to excess
Scene 1. A hall in Las Vegas
(The hall is dark and shabby. The stage is bare, apart from a large mat. KIDDO enters and looks at the scene with astonishment, then distaste, then mounting despair and anger.)
KIDDO: The ropes! They’ve even taken the ropes, the stupid bailiffs. Come on, what’s wrong with you? Why didn’t you take the mat as well? Too much trouble, was it? Or was the truck crammed full? You could have squeezed in the mat, surely. Well, you’ll be back, I’m sure, you bloodsuckers. I’ve given up caring. (He looks towards backstage.) Oh, you’re there, Jim. Do we still have a microphone here? (There is no reply but he sees the microphone, with its lead.) We do? You hid it, did you? And the amplifier and speakers? Good man. (He walks to the microphone and picks it up. When he speaks into it, his voice is amplified.) Testing, testing. One...two...(The power is cut off. The amplification system fails and the stage is suddenly completely dark) three. I don’t believe it! The electricity’s been cut off. (Shouting.) The cheque’s in the post! You’ll get your money! (Much more quietly.) I’m forgetting. It’s a meter. I’ve got some change in my pocket, Jim. (There is the sound of coins jangling when he puts his hand in his pocket.) Here, put these in. (He walks with difficulty towards backstage, stumbling in the dark.) Are you sure you’re there, Jim? (There is no reply.) Speak to me, Jim! They haven’t taken you as well! (There is the sound of one coin being inserted into the meter. The lights come on, but they are very dim.) This hall’s very downmarket. It cost me enough to hire. The robbers. Next time, we’ll try to hire something a bit more attractive, eh? Something cheap and cheerful, not dear and dismal. Well, the crowds outside are getting impatient. The masses, the eager masses. They have their uses. We’d better let them in, before they break the door down. I’m forgetting. The bailiffs have already broken the door down. (He goes to stage right and admits the spectators - members of the CHORUS. It’s obvious that he was expecting far more, and looks deflated. They take up position around the mat. KIDDO picks up the microphone and goes to the centre of the mat.)
KIDDO (looking very worried): Well, I know The King’s here, but what about the opposition? (He goes backstage for a look and returns to the centre of the mat.) That’s all we need. (His worries seemingly forgotten, in the loud, ponderous and emphatic tones of boxing announcers.) Ladies and gentlemen ... from Las Vegas, Nevada, a heavyweight contest...between 'The King' of Great Britain and from the United States of America ...Vic...(louder) the...(with a roaring voice) VEGAN! The contest will be of fourteen rounds...each round of three minutes’ duration. And now, would you welcome (very loudly) The King. (T. K. bounds into the ring triumphantly, as if he has already won. The SPECTATORS cheer loudly. His expression becomes deadly serious, and he jogs on the spot, awaiting his opponent.)
KIDDO: Ladies and gentlemen, and now would you welcome...Vic...(louder) the...(even louder) Vegan!
(VIC THE VEGAN lumbers into the ring, after depositing the bag he was carrying, to the accompaniment of jeers from the SPECTATORS. It is immediately apparent that a mistake has been made. He’s dressed as a wrestler, not a boxer.)
VIC THE VEGAN: I don’t believe it! You’ve done it again. Can’t you ever get it right? Call yourself a manager! I’m a wrestler not a boxer. You’re supposed to book wrestling matches, you dumb guy. Is that too much to ask? (He looks around for his MANAGER. He is nowhere to be seen.) Where are you hiding? Come on out! Come on out!
VIC’S MANAGER (in a cringing voice, from some suitable hiding place offstage): I’m sorry, boss, let me off. I got the dates wrong, that’s all.
VIC THE VEGAN: What do you mean, that’s all? I’ve had to wrestle on football fields and baseball fields, and now I’ve got to wrestle at a boxing match!
VIC’S MANAGER (a little less shaken now): You’ve got to admit that wrestling is pretty close to boxing. I’m getting closer, I’m getting better.
VIC THE VEGAN (not appeased at all): Dope! Fool! Imbecile! Numbskull! You’re fired, do you hear? Fired, fired, fired, fired, fired!
VIC’S MANAGER: Do you mean that? Am I really fired? Just one last chance...(ingratiatingly) please.
VIC THE VEGAN: Okay, but no more chances after this. Next time, get it right, huh?
VIC’S MANAGER: I will, boss. You can trust me.
VIC THE VEGAN: Now come on out.
VIC’S MANAGER: I can’t bear to watch. I’m going home. You know I hate the sight of blood.
VIC THE VEGAN (looking at THE KING): I hope you mean this guy’s blood, not mine. Is that what you mean? (There is no answer.) Say something. (There is no answer. He looks contemptuous but resigned. He takes a piece of paper and reads from it.) As before every fight, I would like to read out this statement. I fight with one purpose only, Not for fame, not for wealth, not for honor, but to show that vegans have the physique, the strength, the stamina and the social skills to take on the world, to take over the world. My opponent is not one man but the carnivorous life-style. (His speech now rises to an impassioned climax.) I want to see the vegan vision on television. I want the State of Nevada to became a state of nirvana. I want Las Vegas to become... Las Vegans! (Quietly.) Thank you for listening.
KIDDO (obviously bewildered by this homily, but suddenly business-like): And now, would you welcome your referee, from Hungary, Mr Hegedüre Gyakorlat. (THE REFEREE enters. This part is played by SIGNOR CAPONE, KIDDO’S crony. THE REFEREE brings the two fighters together and talks to them about how he wants the contest to be conducted. His explanations seem to be detailed but cannot be heard. He makes chopping motions with his hands, waves his fingers, points to his watch, his feet, his head. THE REFEREE ends his detailed explanations.)
KIDDO: Round one.
(The bell rings. The King has the best of this round. VIC THE VEGAN tries to seize hold of him but cannot and is attacked ferociously, blows rained upon head and body. For most of this round, THE REFEREE seems to be doing his job efficiently and fairly, like any other referee, but ust before the end of the round, he begins to thump VIC THE VEGAN.. Very soon afterwards, VIC THE VEGAN falls on his back.)
THE REFEREE (counting as fast as possible, so as to disadvantage VIC THE VEGAN): 10, 9, 8, 7, 6, 5, 4...
KIDDO: Wrong way round.
THE REFEREE (again, very fast): 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6...
(VIC THE VEGAN struggles to his feet just in time. The unequal fight continues. The bell rings for the end of Round One. The fighters go to their respective corners but there are no seats for them. They sit on the floor. KIDDO looks inside The KING’S mouth and wipes off the sweat from his forehead with a handkerchief. VIC THE VEGAN has nobody to attend to him and looks completely dispirited. The bell rings and Round 2 begins. VIC THE VEGAN has the advantage in this round. He grips The King in agonizing holds, forces him to the floor, knocks him towards the sides of the ring. THE REFEREE hits VIC THE VEGAN and tries to dislodge him when he takes hold of THE KING.)
KIDDO: Go for it! You can do it! Left arm out more! (THE KING extends his left arm but is soon forced to the ground and VIC THE VEGAN sits on him. THE REFEREE begins the count but with painfully obvious slowness, revealing again his bias.)
THE REFEREE: One...two...(with a heave, THE KING dislodges VIC THE VEGAN - who, however, continues to enjoy the advantage. THE REFEREE thumps VIC THE VEGAN from behind. The bell rings for the end of Round 2. As before, the fighters retire to their corner, KIDDO again solicitous, VIC THE VEGAN unattended.)
(The bell rings for the start of Round 3. THE KING makes a remarkable recovery. After a succession of punches, it seems that he is about to overwhelm VIC THE VEGAN completely. VIC THE VEGAN reaches for a gun from the bag he had carried and shoots THE KING once. THE KING staggers, falls to the floor and then his body writhes, tenses, heaves, shakes violently, traversing large areas of the mat. He tries to find the pulse in his wrist, then the pulse at the sides of the neck, although the boxing gloves make this more than difficult. He manages to lift himself from the floor and stagger towards VIC THE VEGAN, who shoots him a second time. The King again falls to the floor, manages to crawl a short distance and then collapses, face down. He is unconscious but THE REFEREE comes over, takes hold of his right arm and lifts it.)
THE REFEREE: The winner!
VIC THE VEGAN: You goddamned crook, I’m the winner! (He exits in disgust, together with THE REFEREE and the SPECTATORS. KIDDO goes over to THE KING and fans his face, in an attempt to revive him. The attempt fails. His MOTHER enters.)
MOTHER: So this is where you’ve got to! (She bends down next to THE KING.) My poor darling!
KIDDO: He won. Aren’t you pleased?
MOTHER: I’m not. If you stay in boxing, you’ll damage your brain and you’ll damage your looks. You’ll be a vegetable by the time you’re thirty, you’ll be pea- brained, a cabbage, with cauliflower ears and a squash nose. You mark my words, you’ll end up badly, a down and out.
KIDDO: Down and out. It wouldn’t be the first time.
MOTHER (ignoring this comment): And after all I’ve done for you! Do you want to become a useless vagrant? Get out of boxing! Do something constructive with your life. We’re flying back to England. Mr Kid, help my poor boy, will you? Have you sent for a doctor?
KIDDO: We don't have medical insurance.
MOTHER (now noticing that THE KING hasn't reacted to any of her words): He can't hear me! (Looking closer at THE KING). He's dead!
KIDDO (looking very intently at THE KING. He tries to find a pulse but obviously cannot): You're right! He's dead! (MOTHER crouches next to THE KING, cradles him in her arms and begins to cry.)
KIDDO (after some time, looking at THE KING more carefully. He turns THE KING over on to his back and examines his chest.): Not one of those shots hit him. He over-reacted.
MOTHER: Are you sure?
KIDDO: Get to your feet, you big baby.
MOTHER: Do you mind!
THE KING gets to his feet sheepishly. MOTHER is intensely relieved. THE KING, KIDDO and MOTHER exit. Two members of the STAGE CREW enter. One of them disconnects the microphone and pockets it. The two roll up the mat on the floor and drag it off. The audience may assume that they are bailiffs, seizing some more property. The lights go out, as if the equipment has failed again. This allows for the change of scene in a theatre without a curtain.
Scene 2. Speaker’s Corner, Hyde Park
(VIC THE VEGAN enters, carrying a step-ladder. He erects the step ladder and climbs almost to the top. HECKLERS enter - the CHORUS - and stand in front of the step-ladder. The OCTOGENARIAN enters.)
VIC THE VEGAN: It feels real good to appear at Speaker’s Corner again to talk to you folks about the most important of all issues - veganism. (Loud groans from the HECKLERS.) Now, if you give up flesh-eating, you’ll be in good company. Do you realize just how many famous vegans I can name? Well, these famous people weren’t vegans exactly, they were vegetarians, or almost vegetarians, but if they lived today, they’d definitely be vegans. (He calls out each name in a portentous, booming voice)...Leonardo da Vinci...George Bernard Shaw...Shelley...Gandhi
1st HECKLER: Never heard of them. (Other HECKLERS laugh loudly.)
VIC THE VEGAN: Tolstoy... And that’s just a start. Some other vegetarians are...
1st HECKLER: Adolf Hitler.
2nd HECKLER: Locusts.
VIC THE VEGAN (Less composed now.) Please...
3rd HECKLER: Deathwatch beetles.
4th HECKLER: Slugs.
VIC THE VEGAN (Trying hard to contain his anger): If you’re smart, you’ll know the health benefits of a vegan diet...
OCTOGENARIAN: Don’t listen to him. He needs to get some lovely pork and dripping down him, fatten him up a bit. He looks like a stick insect, don’t he? An overweight stick insect.
VIC THE VEGAN: Will you please listen to me!
2nd HECKLER: Get off! You’re rubbish! We want our money back!
ALL THE HECKLERS: You're absolute rubbish!
3rd HECKLER (imitating an American accent): Give me an 'S'...give me an 'H'...give me an 'I'...give me a 'T'...give me an 'E'...
ALL THE HECKLERS (very loudly): Shite!
4th HECKLER (imitating an American accent): Give me a 'V'...give me an 'E'...give me a 'G'...give me an 'A'...give me an 'N'...
ALL THE HECKLERS (very loudly): Shite!
VIC THE VEGAN (wearily): You're wrong, all wrong.
OCTOGENARIAN: You may be a vegetarian, but you seem to know a lot about tripe. (All the HECKLERS roar with laughter.)
VIC THE VEGAN (Pointing to the OCTOGENARIAN): I happen to know how old that person over there is...and the facts may surprise you...(with a smirk of satisfaction)...only thirty! That’s what eating meat, fish and dairy products does to the body! (The CHORUS laughs at the OCTOGENARIAN who is fuming with anger but makes no reply.) Now look at me, nice smooth face, all my own hair, all my own teeth, just a few fillings....and a touch of dandruff...you won’t believe this, but I’m nearly sixty! That’s the benefit of a vegan diet. (The CHORUS laughs good-naturedly at this obvious falsehood.) I must be going now. See you next week.
1st HECKLER: Don’t go yet! You’ve only been here two minutes.
2nd HECKLER: Yes, stay a bit longer.
VIC THE VEGAN: No, I must be off.
(VIC THE VEGAN climbs down and folds up his step ladder. He exits, followed by THE OCTOGENARIAN, who is still angry. The HECKLERS show their appreciation by applauding as he leaves.)
1st HECKLER: He’s a good man.
2nd HECKLER: Best speaker in Hyde Park.
(The HECKLERS gossip aimlessly. THE KING enters, very slowly and laboriously, carrying a black bin bag which contains his few possessions. His mother’s prediction that he would become a vagrant if he continued to box seems to have been fulfilled. His hair - a wig - is long and unkempt. His clothes are full of holes and almost rigid with dirt. The HECKLERS ignore him. He sits on the ground, placing before him a battered hat for donations. The HECKLERS continue to ignore him. No money whatsoever comes his way. He begins to look even more despondent. He’s also ravenously hungry. When the 1st HECKLER throws down a sweet wrapper, he leaps out and licks the wrapper greedily before returning to his place.)
(A BUSKER - male or female - enters, carrying a violin case. S/he takes out a violin S/he places a hat on the ground and begins to play some Irish fiddle music. The HECKLERS listen to him/her with rapt concentration. They respond with a generosity which has been completely denied to THE KING. There is a shower of coins. They open wallets, take out notes and put them in the hat, with broad smiles. THE KING is able to forget his troubles for a short time. He gets out some of the assorted possessions in his black bag. They include a football and, for some reason, an Irish drum, a Bodhran. (Alternatively, he has an object which can be used to improvise a drum.) Although Bodhran-playing is an exacting skill, even relatively simple drumming can complement in a very pleasing way the fiddle-playing. As, later, he attempts more ambitious music making, it's important that now, he should play with an obviously good rhythmic sense, to establish the fact that he does have some musical talent.)
(One by one, the BUSKERS begin to dance to the music, in Irish folk style. They dance together for several minutes. The dancing requires practice and can be omitted if necessary. Suddenly, THE KING looks gloomy again, puts his drum and drum-stick into the black bag, takes out a pair of boxing gloves, puts them on, gets to his feet and with a threatening look advances on the BUSKER. The BUSKER hands over the violin and flees the scene. All the money collected is left behind. THE KING puts the violin to his chin and tries to play, still wearing his boxing gloves. The results are inevitably poor. Whilst he plays, there is the slightest trace of a smile on his face, as if this is an attempt at humour on his part. There are loud guffaws from the HECKLERS, but the joke has obviously fallen flat. Nobody gives any money. The HECKLERS exit. MOTHER enters.)
MOTHER: So this is where you’ve got to! I’m taking you back home immediately! Never run away from home again! You look as if a good wash would do you good. Tidy yourself up - now! (THE KING takes a spray can from his cardboard box and sprays his armpits. MOTHER seizes the can and looks at it intently.) That isn’t deodorant, that’s flyspray! (She looks at her son intently and seems to see little insects in the air near him. She gives a wave of her hand, as if to keep them away.) You’d better put plenty on. (THE KING sprays the flies of his trousers liberally. She now notices the violin.) Oh, what’s that? A violin! Marvellous. (She sees the money.) Is that what you've been given? That's a lot of money! Come on, now. (MOTHER and THE KING exit, taking the violin and bow, with violin case, but leaving everything else.)
Scene 3. At home.
(A tastefully furnished room, with table and chairs. MOTHER and KIDDO sit opposite each other.)
MOTHER: You’ll soon be without a job. I may be able to find you some gardening to do.
KIDDO: Well, the King’s 28 but I reckon he’s got a few more years in the ring. He’s getting better now.
MOTHER: No, I want my son to have an intellectual or cultural career.
KIDDO (incredulously): To have a what?
MOTHER: He owns a violin now. Why shouldn’t he become a concert violinist?
KIDDO: And if he owned a stethoscope he could become a doctor and if he owned a plane he could become a pilot.
MOTHER: Although money isn’t the important thing, thousands of pounds a concert would help my finances.
KIDDO: Is that what they earn? What’s 20% of that? Not that the money interests me, of course. Culture’s all I’m bothered about.
MOTHER: So you think this is a good idea?
KIDDO: Definitely. I’ve a friend who teaches the violin. One of the best. Signor Capone. (KIDDO pronounces the name ‘Ca-pony.’) He only lives round the corner. I’ll give him a ring. (He exits and returns very quickly.) He’s on his way.
MOTHER: I've seen a man near here carrying a violin case, except he doesn't look like a musician. He looks more like a gangster!
KIDDO: That's probably him, but he's a real musician.
MOTHER: Well, I say I've seen him, but I haven't seen him for the past five years until recently. Where has he been all this time?
KIDDO: He's away on business a lot.
(CAPONE enters, dressed like a gangster. He’s carrying a bag and a case - not a violin case but a viola case, which is very old and battered.)
CAPONE: Evenin’ all. (He puts the viola case on the table and stands next to it.)
MOTHER: Good evening, Signor Capone. (The MOTHER pronounces the name as an Italian would, ‘Cah-poh-nay.’)
CAPONE: Where’s the artiste? (With a heavy emphasis on the second syllable.)
KIDDO: In his bedroom. I'll call him. (Going to the door and calling upstairs.) Come down here, please. And bring your violin. (THE KING enters, carrying his violin case. He puts it on the table and sits in the spare chair.)
CAPONE (picks up the violin case from the table, opens it, picks up the violin and examines the violin closely. He strums each string gently, starting with the lowest, the G. The two lower strings sound reasonably in tune, but not the lower two. Then, in a very forthright matter): They sold you a duff violin there, my boy. That violin’s out of tune. No good at all. You been done.
KIDDO: He didn’t buy the violin, he was given it.
MOTHER: I’m sorry to hear the violin is poor. He’ll need a fine instrument for his international career.
KIDDO: Signor Capone deals in violins as well as teaching the violin. Show her what you’ve brought, Capone.
CAPONE (puts the violin back in the case, opens his own viola case and takes out the viola.) Take a look at this, then.
MOTHER: It’s beautiful. Where did you buy it?
CAPONE: I was given it, same as the artiste.
MOTHER: How could anyone let an instrument of that quality go?
CAPONE: They did let go of it, eventually. I managed to persuade them.
KIDDO: Isn’t it a Stradivarius? (MOTHER is obviously deeply impressed.)
CAPONE: Yeah, it’s one of them Stradivarius jobs.
MOTHER (taking hold of the viola with great care): There is one thing, though, Signor Capone. Are you sure that it is a violin? It looks much too large. Isn’t it some other instrument of the string family?
KIDDO (answering for CAPONE, who is not nearly so quick-witted): Stradivarius made this violin specially for boxers, see? Boxers have big hands. An ordinary violin would be too small for them.
CAPONE: This bloke knows what he’s talking about. Oh, the violin has a Full Service History.
KIDDO: And Capone can insure it, third party fire and theft. He can give you a crook-lock to fit on the fingerboard, as well.
MOTHER (smiles slightly, turns the viola over to look at the back and frowns abruptly): Oh look, there are some marks on it. Nothing much, but won’t they reduce the value?
KIDDO: Don’t worry! He knows all about that. He still has to sand it down and give it some undercoat and a coat of gloss. Won’t show at all when he's done that.
MOTHER (looking into one of the sound holes): Signor Capone, there’s a label inside the violin that says, 'Stradivarius fecit.' ('fecit' pronounced as 'fake-it.')
CAPONE (flustered and worried): That violin's not a fake!
KIDDO (also worried): He's right! It's not a fake!
MOTHER (smiling): Don't worry. It's spelt F-E-C-I-T. Latin for 'made.' 'Stradivarius fecit 1727.' 'Stradivarius made it in 1727.' (CAPONE and KIDDO are relieved. She looks into the other sound hole.) I can't see very well. It's dark in there. Oh, there's another label! 'Made in China.' I thought Stradivarius was Italian, not Chinese!
KIDDO (not at all ruffled): Didn’t you know, the insurance companies insist that every Strad has that label in? It’s to deter thieves. If someone comes along to nick it, he takes one look at the label and leaves it alone.
CAPONE: I’ve heard that. Stands to reason.
MOTHER: How much is it?
CAPONE: Just 100...
MOTHER: What a pleasant surprise.
CAPONE: K.
MOTHER (Wearily): I suppose you get what you pay for. And I suppose it's extra for the bow.
CAPONE: Correct. A lot extra. Let's say 40K. No use having a third rate bow.
MOTHER (looking at the viola case). You can at least give me the case. It doesn't look as if it's worth anything.
CAPONE (seeming quite shocked): This isn't any old case! This is a genuine Stradivarius case!
MOTHER (wearily): how much, then?
CAPONE: Just 10K to you.
KIDDO: What about violin lessons? Tell her about them.
CAPONE: Well, the top guys charge about 50 quid an hour, but I’ve got my teaching worked out so I can teach more in 10 minutes than other people can in an hour. It’s 50 quid for ten minutes, then.
MOTHER: Well, I suppose you get what you pay for. Fine. All the same, I wouldn’t like to pay all this money out if my son hasn’t got genuine talent. I’m sure he has, but I’d like an expert’s opinion. I’d like him to play something for you.
CAPONE: A pleasure.
MOTHER: You’ll have to show him exactly how to hold the violin and bow.
CAPONE (with a worried look): I do have an advanced lesson to give somewhere else, though, very soon.
MOTHER: You’ve time before you go, I’m sure.
KIDDO: One thing about Signor Capone’s methods of teaching you may not realize. He uses what’s called 'the discovery method.' It’s like school teaching. Those old- fashioned teachers spoon feed them, tell them how to go about everything. It takes away their initiative. The best teachers let them find out for themselves. It teaches them much more. (CAPONE is obviously very relieved.) Capone lets the kids find the holds that suit them. Everyone’s different, see? Different length hands and arms, different size chins.
MOTHER (not fully convinced at all): I see. Well, can he play on your violin, Signor Capone?
CAPONE: Give us a tune.
(THE KING takes the viola and bow, holds them in an unorthodox position and tries to play. The bow slides off the strings and the tone is rasping but he seems very pleased by his efforts.)
CAPONE: Ain’t that the start of one of those modern concertos? Not my taste in music but he’s playing advanced stuff already. You asked me for my opinion. I’ve never had such a pupil in my life.
MOTHER: So you think he’s got a gift.
CAPONE (laughs): Well, he definitely ain't got the gift of the gab!
MOTHER (offended): I beg your pardon!
CAPONE: What I meant to say is, he’s a genius.
MOTHER (beaming): So, he’ll start lessons with you, then.
CAPONE: Yes, of course. I must be off.
MOTHER: Wait a moment. I want you to give him a proper lesson now.
CAPONE: Now? Not now!
MOTHER: Yes, now. Otherwise I may have to find another teacher.
CAPONE: Alright.
MOTHER: Just five or six minutes, if you like. I don’t want my son to be put under any strain at all. I don’t want him to feel he’s being pressurized. I can go upstairs whilst you give the lesson, if you like.
KIDDO (obviously delighted): Oh, that’s a pity, but I think you’re right. You don’t mind if I attend the lesson, do you?
MOTHER: I suppose not. But you’ve got to teach him the proper way to hold the violin. I won’t expect him to play anything in this first lesson.
KIDDO: Alright. We’ll give you a shout when the lesson’s finished.
MOTHER: I’ll go. (She exits.)
(KIDDO and CAPONE look unhappy.)
CAPONE: What are we going to do?
KIDDO: I don’t know. (Looking at THE KING) Whatever happens, you’d better behave yourself, scum bag, or I’ll have your guts for violin strings.
CAPONE: I suppose we have to start with holding the violin. Do they hold it in the left shoulder or the right? Do they hold the bow with the right hand or the left?
KIDDO: Haven’t a clue.
CAPONE: I suppose it depends whether someone is right handed or left handed.
KIDDO: Probably. If someone’s right handed, then they’re going to be using the right hand to press the strings down. (He waves the fingers of his right hand up and down.) That’s the hard part.
CAPONE: You’re right...dead right...(with less conviction) I think. Is he right or left handed?
KIDDO: I’ve forgotten.
CAPONE: Ask him to write something, like his signature. (He reaches into his pocket for a pen and offers it to THE KING) Here, write your name.
KIDDO: No use doing that. He can’t write. (CAPONE puts the pen back in his pocket.)
CAPONE: Hang on, a book came with the violin. (He goes over to the viola case and takes out the book.)‘Six lessons with Yehudi Menuhin.’ (He looks at the photo on the cover, showing Yehudi Menuhin.) There’s a photo on the book. That solves it. You’re supposed to put the violin on your left shoulder and hold the bow with the right hand. We were wrong.
KIDDO: But this Yehudi Menuhin, is he right handed or left handed? (CAPONE looks unsure and bewildered.) Here, give me the book. (CAPONE gives him the book. KIDDO flicks through the pages and seems mildly encouraged by what he finds on one page - this is Page 108. This is better. There’s an exercise here that doesn’t involve holding the violin. It seems all about developing the right sort of arm and wrist...flexible. We’ll give it a go. (To THE KING, indicating a particular place.) Stand there, arsehole. Left-Hand Movements, it says here. Shifting...vibrato...proceeding from a waving action...variable amplitude...narrow vibration and broad sweep...lateral movements...left hand pizzicato. I don’t think we’re any better off. (He seems very discouraged).
CAPONE: Oh no! I thought violin playing was just about moving your fingers up and down!
KIDDO: I think it gets a bit easier. I hope so. (He looks at the book and gives instructions based on the text. He pauses at various points. At each of these points, a PAUSE, THE KING carries out the instructions - very well. Meanwhile, CAPONE looks intently at THE KING to see if he’s carrying out the instructions.) Wave motion...left hand...hold your hand in playing position...wrist loose...palm towards you...wave it...imagine you’re saying goodbye to yourself. (PAUSE) Next, make your hand wave by moving the forearm backwards and forwards. (PAUSE) Now make a circular swing in the hand that’s waving...what’s he on about?...by a sideways oscillation of arm and elbow. (PAUSE) Make very big circles in the air.
CAPONE (to THE KING): Much bigger.
KIDDO: Looking down on the circle, it has to be clockwise. (CAPONE looks intently at the circle, sees that it’s clockwise and nods in approval.) The waving of the hand has to be horizontal as well. (CAPONE looks and nods in approval.) And the planeof the circle has to rise away from you. (Again he looks and nods in approval.) To make a big circle, increase the opening and closing of the forearm and the sideways swing of the elbow and upper arm towards and away from your body. (PAUSE) Next, give an impetus on each wave. The first one on the outward movement of the forear...this is becoming ridiculous...imagine you’re going to smack a wall in front of you with the back of your hand. (PAUSE)
CAPONE: A bigger smack, a much bigger smack. (THE KING gives a much bigger smack.)
KIDDO: And on every inward movement of your forearm, as if you’re smacking your chin. (PAUSE).
CAPONE: Harder! Much harder! (At the end of the next rotation of the arm, THE KING smacks his chin very hard rather than appearing to smack it. He crumples to the floor and lies on his back.)
KIDDO (in a state of panic): Wake up! I don’t believe it. She’s never going to believe this! Why did you say that?
CAPONE (treating the whole thing as a joke): One...two...three...
KIDDO: Shut up! You’re not a referee now. (THE KING gets to his feet, to the intense relief of KIDDO and CAPONE) Thank God for that. Violin teaching’s too dangerous for my liking. (He gives the book to CAPONE). You take over. You’re supposed to be the teacher.
CAPONE (he looks at a few pages in the book and settles on page 31.) Got it. Just the thing. (Giving instructions based on the book). Relaxation exercise...After you’ve practised these stretching and resistance exercises, lie on the floor, completely relaxed. (THE KING lies on the floor again, this time voluntarily, and closes his eyes.) Let all the tension in your body go. Let the heaviness in each limb sink into the floor. Pay attention to your breathing.
(KIDDO and CAPONE lie next to THE KING, in a state of complete contentment. All three breathe in and out slowly and audibly, in synchrony. After a short time, CAPONE reaches out to the bag which he had brought with him and takes out a mechanical metronome. He winds it up, adjusts it so that the rate of swing is very slow and then lies flat on the floor again.)
CAPONE (Together with the ticking of the metronome, a bell sounds at regular intervals., sounding like a mechanical cash register. At the sounding of the bell.)One pound...two pounds...three pounds.
KIDDO: This is the life! Well, we slogged our guts out to earn this money. Let’s enjoy it now.
CAPONE: Where had I got to? Oh yes, twenty pounds...twenty one pounds...
(Voice of MOTHER outside the door).
MOTHER: Is the lesson finished yet? I don’t want you to overdo it the first time.
KIDDO (without moving): Nearly! Just a bit longer.
CAPONE: Thirty...thirty-one, thirty-two...thirty-three...
MOTHER (after waiting a short time): He’s not used to this pressure! Show some consideration!
KIDDO: Just about finished now...Alright, that’s about it. (To THE KING, very quietly) Get up, scum bag. (All of them get up). You can come in now! (MOTHER enters).
MOTHER (very happy): How much do I owe you, Signor Capone?
CAPONE: Just forty pounds for this first lesson.
MOTHER: That sounds reasonable. Send me an invoice, will you.
CAPONE: I will. Must be off now.
MOTHER: Goodbye, Signor Capone. And thank you for everything.
KIDDO: Bye.
(CAPONE exits.)
KIDDO: Now, I’ve got some business to attend to. Just one more thing. He’s going to need a new name. A musician can’t be called ‘The King.’ Something that sounds German or Polish would be more up-market. How about ‘Königewski?’ 'König' is German for ‘King’ and the ending is Polish.
MOTHER:Yes, I like that.
KIDDO: I’ll get Capone to fix him up with a new birth certificate.
MOTHER: Is that absolutely necessary?
KIDDO: Just to make it official. See you. (He exits.)
MOTHER (dreamily): Königewski... The Great Königewski... Königewski and his Singing Strings... An Evening with Königewski... The Romance of Königewski...The Magic of Königewski... The Legend of Königewski... The Immortal Königewski. (MOTHER exits, very happy indeed.)
Scene 4. A hall in Salzburg. The Concert.
(The hall is dark and shabby. The stage is bare. KIDDO cannot be seen. He is trying to make the electrical equipment work. He thumps some of the equipment and the lights come on at full power, then go dim again. He thumps the equipment again and the lights come on at full power. He admits the audience, the members of the CHORUS. They are very prosperous Austrians, dressed for the occasion. One of them is carrying a large magazine. On their entry, they look around at the shabby hall. They look at the floor, and see that there are no chairs. They look perplexed and disdainful, but only for a very short time.)
1st MEMBER OF THE AUSTRIAN AUDIENCE: Schrecklich! [terrible!]
2nd MEMBER OF THE AUSTRIAN AUDIENCE: Unglaublich! [unbelievable!]
3rd MEMBER OF THE AUSTRIAN AUDIENCE: Wo sind die Sitze? [Where are the chairs?]
KIDDO: Verzeihung. Es gibt keine. [Sorry. There aren't any.] We did have chairs but they seem to have been taken. Would you mind standing? At our Promenade concerts at the Royal Albert Hall, some of the audience stand. This isn't going to be a long concert...(The MEMBERS OF THE AUSTRIAN AUDIENCE ignore this request and sit on the floor to listen to the concert, although the fact that they smile shows that they aren’t offended. They have very quickly adapted.. Before they sit, the one carrying the magazine gives each of them a few pages from the magazine to sit on.)
KIDDO: Ladies and gentlemen, meine Damen und Herren, welcome to our concert from the Salzburg Festival Fringe. There are one or two changes to the advertized programme for tonight's concert. We've had to leave out some of the works to be played by our soloist, Maestro Königewski. He won't be playing (he reads laboriously from the piece of paper he has with him) the Beethoven violin concerto, or the Brahms violin concerto, or the Mendelssohn and Tchaikovsky concertos. Sadly, we've had to leave out the Berg violin concerto as well.
1st MEMBER OF THE AUSTRIAN AUDIENCE (very pleasantly): What a pity!
KIDDO: Also, the conductor has phoned in to say that he's sick. He's not well at all. And the orchestra has phoned in. They're sick as well.
2nd MEMBER OF THE AUSTRIAN AUDIENCE (in heavily accented English, with a mock groan): That's very bad luck!
KIDDO: But we do still have our soloist, making his debut tonight!
3rd MEMBER OF THE AUSTRIAN AUDIENCE: Prima! [Fantastic!]
He'll be playing some (he consults the paper) Haydn. It's (again he consults the paper) a Serenade by Haydn, from an early String Quartet. Although it wasn't written by Haydn but by somebody else. And now, here is our soloist, Maestro Königewski!
(THE KING enters, dressed formally for the occasion, in appearance and manner indistinguishable from any top-rank soloist. The MEMBERS OF THE AUSTRIAN AUDIENCE applaud enthusiastically. He bows, unhurriedly, puts the violin to his chin and his violin bow is poised above the strings. His left arm is not extended suffiiciently but is too near the body of the violin.)
KIDDO: Go for it! You can do it! Left arm out more! (THE KING extends his left arm slightly.)
As he’s about to play, the lights fail. KIDDO rushes to the electrical equipment and thumps it but without effect. The stage remains in darkness. The real VIOLINIST begins to play and THE KING mimes the action. The music is easy to play and well within the capabilities of amateurs. If the actor playing the part of THE KING plays the violin, then he may well be able to give a satisfactory performance and in this case the lighting can be quite intense. The audience will not be critical - they will be surprised that he can play at all. The piece is often referred to as 'Haydn's Serenade,' from the slow movement of the Quartet Opus 3 No. 5, although it was not written by Haydn. The fact that the violin is muted in this movement is an advantage, as the mute conceals to some extent any faults in tone production. If KIDDO can play the guitar, then the very simple accompaniment for second violin, viola and cello can easily be transcribed for guitar, to give a very pleasing effect. Another piece from the classical music repertoire can be substituted if wished. The piece ends. The MEMBERS OF THE AUSTRIAN AUDIENCE applaud even more enthusiastically.)
4th MEMBER OF THE AUSTRIAN AUDIENCE: Well done, Maestro!
(There is a clatter as VIC THE VEGAN enters, wearing a military camouflage uniform and carrying a very large, enormously long bag. The lights, which are very erratic in this venue, come on suddenly. The MEMBERS OF THE AUSTRIAN AUDIENCE quickly get to their feet.)
VIC THE VEGAN: Now you've booked me into a concert! Call yourself a manager? You're fired! (He sees THE KING and recoils. He draws a handgun immediately. The MEMBERS OF THE AUSTRIAN AUDIENCE exit very hurriedly. THE KING dives for cover behind a packing case, together with KIDDO. VIC THE VEGAN shoots once. The shot misses T. K. The lights are dimmed immediately, as if the bullet has hit some electrical equipment.)
(The fight which follows, in the half-light, should be sustained and the details are left to the DIRECTOR. Vic the Vegan fires episodically, as if trying to conserve ammunition, whenever he thinks he has a chance of hitting T. K. Immediately each shot is fired, KIDDO can hit the packing case as if a bullet has hit the case, to make the effect more realistic. T. K. should leave the protection of the packing case. taking temporary cover behind other objects, and advance on VIC THE VEGAN. When T. K. is not far away, he should rush and try to seize his gun. There is a hand-to-hand fight. He takes cover again, in possession of the gun, and VIC THE VEGAN reaches into his bag, which contains a store of weapons, for another gun. There is a more intense gun battle between the two for a short time. VIC THE VEGAN then reaches into the bag for a mortar and the projectiles which are fired from the mortar. He erects the mortar and an extract from Tchaikovsky's '1812 Overture' is played. The timing here relates to the recording by Sian Edwards, conducting the Royal Liverpool Philharmonic Orchestra. Conveniently, this recording, like others, includes the sound of explosions, eliminating the need to produce them on the stage. VIC has to synchronize, so far as possible, dropping the projectiles into the barrel of the mortar with the sound of the recorded explosions. At each explosion, the darkness is broken by a short explosion of light. The recorded explosions, 5 in all, begin at 11 minutes and 24 seconds and end at 11 minutes and 29 seconds, so that VIC has to be very fast. VIC now reaches into the bag for a much bigger weapon, which is telescopic. By pulling out the sections to full length and clipping on an attachment, where the shells are loaded, he is able to make a piece of artillery. All these actions are arduous, as if he's straining with very heavy objects. During this phase, the music is very varied: hectic and quite fast, slower, and then triumphant, with heavy chords. By this time, VIC has almost assembled his weapon, despite the difficulties, and by the time the recording is at 13 minutes and 21 seconds, he has completed the process, and is able to show joy and exultation. At 13 minutes and 31 seconds, the recorded music ends. The barrel of the weapon is pointing directly at KIDDO and T. K. and near to them, so it would seem that he can hardly miss.
VIC THE VEGAN: Load! (He takes a shell out of the bag and loads it into the weapon.) Aim! (He makes a very small corrective adjustment.) Fire! The noise of firing is disappointingly small. The sound of the exploding shell is puny and the shell has exploded quite some distance from the target.
VIC THE VEGAN: Damn! Missed!
(All exit. Two members of the STAGE CREW enter. They take all the props left on stage - the bag, the weapons, the violin and bow. As in the case of the Las Vegas Hall, the audience can assume they are bailiffs, seizing property.)
Scene 5. At home
MOTHER: How did the concert go?
KIDDO (looking very battered after his experiences in the gunfight, but with no major injuries): Why weren't you there?
MOTHER: I've told you so many times. You should never have hired a pathetic little hall. My son should be playing in a concert hall in Salzburg or Vienna. You obviously don't appreciate him.
KIDDO: He has to start somewhere.
MOTHER: No! Not at all!
KIDDO: The concert began well...then...
MOTHER: You're just being negative. Listen to this plan of action. It makes a great deal of sense. First of all, my son should play with the second violin section, not the first violins but the second violins, of, let’s say, the Berlin Philharmonic Orchestra. Then, after a few months, he’d be promoted to the first violins, then he’d become leader of the orchestra, and then he’d be offered concert engagements as a soloist as a matter of course.
KIDDO: If sonny boy got a job in Berlin, would he commute?
MOTHER: Oh, don’t be unrealistic, of course not. He’d go and live there, and so would I, and you, and perhaps his teacher Mr Capone, although I'm sure there are good teachers in Berlin.
KIDDO: Now listen, don’t get me wrong, the Berlin Philharmonic’s a good band, one of the best, and I’d love to move to Germany. I used to work there, as you know, love the place. Don’t you think we’re still being over-ambitious, though? Shouldn’t he start a bit lower down and then work his way up? Let him join an orchestra a bit lower in the league first, something like the Bermuda Symphony Orchestra or the Honolulu Philharmonic, or perhaps even the Ibiza Chamber Orchestra.
MOTHER (after a little thought): Or perhaps the Scunthorpe Philharmonic? (’Scunthorpe’ is an example only. Another name, such as the name of a suburb, can be substituted, to give local relevance.)
KIDDO: No, they're very good. It's being too ambitious.
MOTHER: Perhaps you're right.
KIDDO: I’ll fix him up with some auditions and then Capone will do something to give him that competitive edge when the auditions come up
MOTHER: Good.
KIDDO: It’s definitely not lack of talent that’s holding the boy back.
MOTHER: I agree. But what is it?
KIDDO: If you ask me, we’ve neglected his social development.
MOTHER: He’s happy, I’m sure.
KIDDO: He's 28 now, isn't he?
MOTHER: Yes.
KIDDO: Has he ever had a girl-friend?
MOTHER: Oh, of course not!
KIDDO: Has he ever mentioned the subject?
MOTHER: Not once.
KIDDO: Does he know about the relations between men and women, that sort of thing?
MOTHER: Er...
KIDDO: Did you ever teach him?
MOTHER: How could you suggest such a thing!
KIDDO: Well, I think you should.
MOTHER (with unexpected meekness): If you insist.
KIDDO: I’ll leave it with you. I’ve got to go now. (He exits.)
MOTHER (She goes to the door and shouts upstairs. She shows evident distaste for the ordeal to come): Come here! I want to talk to you. Bring your violin. (THE KING enters, with violin in case. He has his left arm in a sling and his right arm in a sling, as a result of the injuries he received during the gunfight. He sits down very slowly, as if in great discomfort.) I want to tell you about something very important. I want to explain that there are two sorts of people, men and women, who used to be boys and girls. First, though, I want you to play something for me. I haven't heard you play for quite a time. I want to know if you've been making progress. I hope you have. It's essential. The lessons are very expensive. (She opens the case and takes out the violin and bow.) Here, take the violin. (She puts it to his left shoulder, although he understandably finds this very difficult.) Take the bow. (She puts it into his right hand, although again he finds it very difficult to hold. He seems very awkward and uncomfortable, both arms being effectively out of action.) Now, play something. (He makes a real effort but finds it difficult and the sound is very poor.) You're just not trying! Try harder! (He does try harder, but the results are no better.) It may be the start of one of those modern concertos but I don't like it at all. I'll have to have words with your teacher. (She takes the violin and bow from him, put them back in the case and closes the case.) Back to men and women. When they get married, they may want to have a baby. I want to explain how it happens. (He looks very sheepish.) You see, how shall I put this, it’s like this, you see, are you listening still? Well, the spermatozoa, which are the male gametes, travel down the vas deferens and urethra, up the uterus into the oviduct. There, one of them may fuse with an ovum, which is the female gamete, to form a zygote. The diploid number of chromosomes is then re-established. Implantation in the uterus occurs and mitosis and cell differentiation take place. (Her son listens patiently, bemused.) I think this is enough for now. I’ll explain parturition another time. Go to your room now. (He exits. MOTHER is lost in thought, obviously aware of the momentousness of the occasion. She exits.)
Scene 6. Interviews for the post of girlfriend.
(THE KING and his MOTHER enter. THE KING'S arms are still in slings and he walks very slowly, in evident discomfort. He sits down, grimacing as he does so. His MOTHER sits. MOTHER is holding a newspaper. A third, empty seat faces them. In this scene, MOTHER begins calmly. She becomes more and more frantic, more and more desperate.)
MOTHER: It’s been decided that you must have a woman friend. After a courtship of one year, you’ll be married. We’ll go away on honeymoon, you, your new wife and myself. After that, you’ll occupy married quarters in this house. I hope these arrangements are satisfactory for you. I’ve placed an advertisement in the personal columns of the local newspaper. Listen to what it says. (She opens the newspaper and reads.) ‘Quiet, respectable gentleman seeks lady.’ We’ve had a lot of replies. Most of the people are very unsuitable. I’ve made up a short-list of the more suitable ones and we’re going to interview them soon. I'll just go and get ready. When the candidates come in, do try and be as welcoming as you can. And remember! Women like a man with a twinkle in his eye!
(She exits. THE KING goes over to a mirror on the wall and looks into it.
The twinkle is completely lacking, and he realizes it. He summons up all his
strength and looks at the mirror more intently, this time with something resembling
a smile. The twinkle is still lacking. He turns away from the mirror, towards
the audience, shuts his left eye and thrusts his face towards the mirror,
with no better result. He turns away from the mirror, shuts his right eye
and looks into the mirror. Still, there's not a trace of a twinkle. Again
he turns away, screws his face up into a grimace and tries again, pressing
his face almost against the glass. Still no success. He gives up and sits
down again. MOTHER enters.)
MOTHER: I'm ready! (MOTHER goes to the door and opens it.) Come in, please.
(The candidates are all members of the CHORUS. CANDIDATE 1 doesn't enter but screams, unseen, as soon as she sees THE KING. He and MOTHER look deeply hurt.)
MOTHER: Obviously not our type of person. Come in, please.
(CANDIDATE 2 doesn't enter and bursts out laughing as soon as she sees THE KING. He and mother react as before.)
MOTHER: Not suitable at all.
(MOTHER admits CANDIDATE 3, who shows no obvious reaction on seeing THE KING. She sits down.)
MOTHER: Let me explain. I’ll be frank with you. We’re looking above all else for someone who can take the rough with the smooth. Success in this interview will bring new burdens and new difficulties. We all have our aspirations, our hopes, our yearnings, but in the end we may have to settle for something less than the ideal. But later, we may discover that our life is far more rewarding than we thought, that we are better off, in fact, than countless others, that destiny has been kind to us after all. (Abruptly.) I’m referring to possible problems with the manager. He’s not very pleasant and not particularly efficient. He’ll be going before very long, I think, but for the time being he’s someone you’d have to deal with. How do you feel about this? Could you put up with the manager?
CANDIDATE 3 (quietly, in tones of real sincerity): I realize that we can strive for perfection and for contentment but we can never find them for very long. My life has presented me with real difficulties but I’ve managed to surmount them and to emerge, I like to think, not only cheerful - sometimes, anyway! - but a wiser person. I’ve come to realize that a selfish attitude is never justifiable. I’m ready to face difficulties, any number of difficulties. I’ll try to overcome them patiently, with your help, I trust. Difficult managers aren’t a problem for me at all. I’ve experience of the worst type